Craigslist: You hit me with your Prius

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/1288922120.html

Originally Posted: Sat, 25 Jul 15:23 PDT

You hit me with your Prius

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Date: 2009-07-25, 3:23PM PDT

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Me – Bicyclist, heading to jury duty on 10th Street, Friday at 8:50am.
You – Prius driver, crossing over two lanes, hitting me with your car and speeding away.

I was hoping we could catch up for a cup of coffee, so I could get your views on the environment, and strangle you.

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we should ALL have coffee with this driver and ALL strangle them.

Whats wrong with this craigslisting?

http://columbus.craigslist.org/mis/1338953960.html

the girl that was jogging at Antrim Park this afternoon in pink – m4w – 28 (Antrim park)

This afternoon I was at the park, had just finished riding my bike and looked up and saw you jogging by. I’m glad I had stopped riding, because I shit you not, the very sight of you would have made me wreck, and that would have been embarrassing. You were wearing a pink tshirt, and when I looked the second time, you were looking at me, too. Either you’re interested too, or you were watching something across the lake and didn’t even notice me… I’ll hope for the former. Anyway, if by chance you read this, or someone who knows the pink tshirt jogger reads this and would kindly point her to it, Id be forever happy.

Seems innocent enough, but hidden in this simple story lies a dark fact, a hidden truth heralded by a harbinger of doom. You see, the poster stated:

“I’m glad I had stopped riding”

THE HORROR.

Keep em guessing.

Is this real? Is it serious? You tell me cause I don’t know anymore. Apparently the hipsters/fixters have become self aware, and are now becoming ironic within their irony. That is to say, yo dog i put some irony in your irony so you can be ironic while you’re ironic.

ironic irony of the ironc ironic?

“check it bro

no name all black steel “track frame” with “track ends”
dp 18 wheel with formula hub on the front wheel, prolly needs a new tire but I haven’t had any problems with it
velocity deep v with fixed/fixed formula hub on the back
sugino cheapo crankset which needs ONE chainring bolt. yeah, that rules, right?
generic saddle
generic pedals
risers with old ass oury grips that prolly need replacing
no brakes
spokecards included for bike cred
it can do BAR SPINS. thats right, dude, BAR FUCKING SPINS!

this bike would be perfect for someone who wants to harvest the parts or use it as a polo or winter beater bike. it rides smooth other than the things listed. cmon, make me an offer, i’d like to buy a handle of whiskey and take my girlfriend out on the town.”

So. We have an admittedly crappy bike for sale. It is posed in a decidedly “urban” location, complete with…delicious ironic graffiti apparently reading “one gear one world”, and spoke cards which the poster affirms lend “bike cred” to the machine. Oh and lets not forget the deep V’s and the fact “it can do BAR SPINS. thats right, dude, BAR FUCKING SPINS!”

So. Is the person selling this bike actually being sarcastic about it? Actually aware of the ludicrousness of it all? My vote is yes, but sadly the possibility exists that he/she is not. I cant tell the “irony” apart from the “irony” anymore. Either the seller wants the hipster that may buy his bike to purchase it because it is a state of disrepair and therefore better than  a properly cared for and maintained bike, or it “rides smooth other than the things listed.”

Ouch, my brain, its enough to make me go put on a unicorn sweater and get a neck tattoo. No, seriously bro, check it.

Fixies by the River

http://columbus.craigslist.org/mis/1260159194.html

“I was riding home from OSU yesterday evening on a fixed gear bike. You passed me on fixed gear bike. Its good to see somebody else that has not spent tons of money on bike gear”

Just to be clear, they were both riding FIXED GEAR BIKES, yes lets repeat that just so there are no misunderstandings here FIXED GEAR BIKES. Yes at least you didn’t spend a lot of money on your FIXED GEAR BIKE, but I’m sure you did on your chrome messenger bag or jeans from urban outfitters, so it all evens out in the end. In the meantime I’m sure i flew by these two on their FIXED GEAR BIKES at probably 15 mph faster on my 60 mile commute yesterday. But at least they were on FIXED GEAR BIKES. And coincidentally urban outfitters is now selling FIXED GEAR BIKES. I like where this is going. The bikes are made by the republic bike company, and are complete rubbish, not surprising considering urban outfitters is selling them. I read several reviews of the product and it sounds like one of those dreams you have where you are riding a bike and it starts falling apart beneath you…or maybe thats just me.  The bikes are customizable, a hipsters wet dream, and are made from the oh so quality “hi tensile steel” which translates to UTTER CRAP. You would be better off framebuilding with natural gas black iron pipe, and it’s painted yellow already so BAM customized! Enjoy riding your worthless FIXED GEAR BIKES together you shitting hipsters.

BONUS CRAIGSLISTING!

And this gem, a veritable treasure trove of grammar riches:

http://columbus.craigslist.org/mis/1259961788.html

“i miss u so much that i cant stand it been with out u we have kids toghter i miss coming home from work to u and the kids i cant bleave that i let ten years go down the drain please give me one more chance i love u peace “

Sounds like they should have given FIXED GEAR BIKES a chance, probably would have saved the marriage. Craigslist continually erodes my faith in humanity, I love it.

Id like to know more about this one…

From craigslist:

http://columbus.craigslist.org/mis/1228329181.html

I was the dude who swallowed gravel during a cycling disaster at the construction zone near the Blue Danube. You were the “ohhhh shit” out of my right ear moments before impact. Damn, that hurt. Thanks for insisting that I go to the hospital. They charged me $5900 for a cat scan and an 11 hour wait in the ER. You were sure that it would be pretty cheap even though I don’t have insurance. You owe me $5900 or a bunch of BJ’s; your call.

who/what did this

I ride through this construction are fairly regularly and the road is beyond awful. And so are the remains of that bike. The post doesnt say what caused it though, other than a disembodied voice yelling “ohhhh shit”. Since there was a voice, we can rule out bears and an out of control drunken cheetah. This still leaved the amount of damage to the bike itself however, I’d assume it was a car, but with the disembodied voice, the driver must be exceptionally loud. Perhaps a scooter or a motorcycle? The title however is “we crashed bikes” so it must have been a bike. I wonder then what the other bike was? A bear riding a bike? A bike with a snow plow attached? An abrams tank riding a bike? A BEAR DRIVING AN ABRAMS TANK WITH A SNOW PLOW ATTACHED?

And who believes that a visit to the hospital is cheap? Honestly? Especially a cat scan, nowhere in logical thought would I expect that to be cheap, but I suppose after an accident like that I wouldn’t be thinking clearly anyway…

And this is further proof that no one under any circumstance should go within say, five blocks of that shithole bar.

BIKES FOR ONE MONEY!

Well, im not sure where to start with this, I’ve seen worse, but its the opening and closing lines that really get me and the bad/creepy photographs…some one must free those bikes from the compound in which they are being held.

http://columbus.craigslist.org/bik/1215048466.html

“SELL ALL FOR ONE MONEY”

and

“…and good rubber”

Now, i appreciate astoundingly horrid grammar as much as the next guy, but who says “sell all for one money”? I know the person means a single payment for all the goods involved, or at least my higher reasoning skills say so, but thats been called into question before.

The white and pink towel with holes in it used as a backdrop in what appears to be a basement really freaks me out. No seriously. There is a whole creepy pedophile or cult compound vibe going on here and i dont like it.

Pretty sure this is the guy selling the bikes.

If thats the case, well, at least the rubbers are good, and theres nothing like a good rubber.

Create your own skate park. And other top notch craigslistings.

I know i know, you’re thinking something modest like a suburban teenager’s backyard kind of skate park right? Kinda like this?

your average teens homemade skatepark.

But wait! Found only on craigslist, the website dedicated to only bringing you the top most quality products comes:

looks FUN!

act now! SEE how well constructed it is! WONDER at how safe it is! BE AMAZED at all the FUN you will have with your very own SKATE PARK!

im no expert on skateboarding or bmx for that matter, but id be hesitant to call a poorly constructed ramp system a “skate park” but hey who am i to judge, what a park is, after all china (leave it to china) recently stopped construction on a giant “sex park” . It just sounds creepy, you know bad things were going to happen there, all those middle aged guys hopped up on viagra running sex starved around a park, yes assuredly very bad times for all involved.

Here are 3 more listings for bicycles that seem to have been lovingly stored and properly cared for by keeping them  alongside railroad tracks in the woods or possibly in a vat of acid somewhere. Lovely.

Original posts here:

http://columbus.craigslist.org/bik/1197926476.html

http://columbus.craigslist.org/bik/1197928090.html

http://columbus.craigslist.org/bik/1197929982.html

And to further enforce the fact that cops are good people, we have this “missed connection” Classy.