Freestlying Isn’t Free

Vancouver. Up until recently I’ve always had a fondness for Vancouver, and enjoyed the holidays I’ve taken there. Kiss that goodbye. Well, not really, I know it was but a few hooligans, not the whole city. However, drunken youth with entitlement syndrome leave a bad taste in my mouth, and not from a beer-breathy post-riot kiss. The police have tried to blame the riot on “anarchists” instead of who was actually responsible, namely pro MTBer Alex Prochazka.

Nothing screams anarchy like being forced to wear corporate logos.

The last I checked, political activists were not prone to rioting over sporting events, but usually erosion of democracy or trampling of civil rights. But then, what do I know, maybe the new progressive cause being spearheaded is the absolute social injustice of a team losing a hockey match. I digress. It appears the anarchist Prochazka has lost his sponsorships from the large corporate backers he held. Which, of course, is just fine for him, being an anarchist and all, he didn’t need or want them anyway.

Here he is in all his glory, surrounded by other members of the “royal blue and kelly green” bloc, wearing the symbol known to law enforcement groups worldwide to belong to anarchists…the orca.

Nothing screams anarchy like everyone in uniform!

Beware this symbol:

Or the “Reebok third jersey shoulder logo”:

Johnny Canuck

For where you see these symbols  social upheaval is soon to follow. We had better get a SWAT team over to the Reebok corporate offices, I saw hundreds of similarly dressed men in suits heading into the building, they must be anarchists plotting an alcohol fueled office riot. Some of them were even wearing these:

Also, in true radical insurrectionist fashion, the NHL Team Shop carries a Tattoo Sleeve that would make anther well known malcontent revolutionary named Ed Hardy writhe in jealousy.

Nothing screams anarchy like fake tattoos!

It turned out lucky for us that I decided to risk infiltrating the den of leftist agitators that is shop.nhl.com. Much to my dismay, I uncovered another sinister plot the anarchists were hatching:

Nothing screams anarchy like arm warmers on a cool autumn morning.

There you have it. The anarchists, right this very second, are targeting, in classic provocateur terminology:  “an untapped demographic” and will be launching preemptive strikes into said “test market”, bicycling.

If we are not careful, we will end up like Alex Prochazka, under the thumb of  political dissidents such as Ed Hardy, Reebok, or the aptly named Red Bull, which does nothing to hide its communist sympathies. Here he is, surrounded by other cyclists already who have been through the anarchist indoctrination process known as “exploratory research and factor analysis” and are now a  “diffusion model”.

Nothing screams anarchy like allover print shirts, logos, corporate sponsors, and neon green hats.

You’re A Loser You Idiot Cyclist

Slate has an article up “Dude, wheres your car- How not having a car became Hollywood shorthand for loser”

Being that I just saw this movie, and thought it quite horrible, this article just adds to that feeling. While the author lightly touches on the feeling of the general populace toward alternatives to motor vehicles:

We could attribute it to the simple fact of the film industry’s base in Los Angeles, a place whose residents—film directors and otherwise—can hardly imagine life without a car.

And includes a sociologists take:

Or perhaps it’s the wider society that has trouble conceiving of life outside the omnipresent sphere of what sociologist John Urry calls “automobility,” one tenet of which is “the dominant culture that organizes and legitimates socialities across different genders, classes, ages and so on; that sustains major discourses of what constitutes the good life and what is necessary for an appropriate citizenship of mobility; and that provides potent literary and artistic images and symbols.”

He doesn’t discuss the real reason behind these attitudes; the “car culture” that the oil industry has ingrained into the mainstream way of life in the states. Cities are planned around the car, with little regard to other methods of transport. It is not in the interest of big business to change the status quo, and have people drive less and ride bikes more. I have to blame the cycling industry as well, they have not made bikes feel accessible to the everyday person. The elitist attitude runs rampant through cycling, and pushes people who otherwise may choose to ride away. Someday bikes may be portrayed as “cool” by Hollywood, but I’m not holding my breath for it happening anytime soon.

Fakenger Hipster Scenester Rant #2

So since this fakenger thing is still going after 3-4 years i thought id revisit some thoughts. Ill probably edit this later to make it more coherent later, but I’m at work and have nothing to do so…

There are plenty of fakengers around still. Every city ive traveled to recently has had their fare share, ill be back in San Francisco this weekend and will have hipster overload.

However, i think that the fakenger and hipster communities are basically one and the same now, or they always have been. But you know the hipster “movement” is really in trouble when adbusters (a hipster magazine) is writing an article decrying hipsters. I’m so confused.

Hipster and Fakenger hate aside, its great that people are riding bikes. However, many of these kids ride like idiots. Running lights, on and off the sidewalk, generally riding with no concern for their safety or that of others. I dont give a damn about their safety but it does affect how motorists and pedestrians as well as society in general view ALL cyclists. I know that it is all the rage to “not give a fuck” and wear $3oo shirts that look like they were found at thrift shops, generally look dirty and unkempt, be “different” and “original” buy doing the EXACT SAME THING that all the other hipsters are doing. Its fine if you really need to try that hard to construct a store bought identity for yourself and desperately cling to a consumer culture built around “irony”, so that you can convince yourself into believing that you are truly different or special, and really “dont give a shit” but you do. If i spit on your unblemished nike dunks (if those are even cool anymore i dont know, im sure im behind) you will care, sorry for ruining your delicately constructed image. I bet you dont know if you are being ironic or not any more do you?

If you feel the need to be a hipster or fakenger, thats great, everyone buys into something. But take into consideration those of us that do more than trackstands outside bars, those of us that commute, or race, or are ACTUALLY MESSENGERS. Next time you run a red light while I am sitting there patiently waiting like the rest of the vehicles on the road (we arent pedestrians, we are cyclists) and dart through traffic, youll understand why i am praying for a bus to hit you. Then when i pass you again before the next light, silently, youll understand why I have to resist the urge to shove you off your fixie and throw it infront of the next oncoming car.

Some of us care about attempting to change the car culture in the states into a more cyclist friendly atmosphere. It’s hard enough as it is without hipster fakengers doing their part to undermine our efforts through careless and reckless behaviour on the street. We have to deal with soccer moms on cell phones, wigger idiot kids throwing their mcdonalds at us, and yuppies in hummers, we dont need fellow cyclists holding us back.

Take some time and actually learn about how your bike works, and how to fix it if something goes wrong, so i don’t have to stop and show you. See if you can ride further than “to the bar”, realise that Brooks saddles suck. period. no really, they do. sshhhhhhhhhhhh. Put SOMETHING in your empty messenger bag, i know its just a fashion accessory, but t would make me feel better, and im off my meds, thanks.

So instead of running that red light, show the traffic around you how fucking cool you really are and do a trackstand at the light, while drinking a PBR and listening to some ironic rap “music” on your ipod. Thanks.

Brilliant. Astounding. Massive. All those words describe something else.

Today we have this little jewel from the marketing geniuses at Dell computers.

selling your idiocy back to you.

This is brilliant. Its more than brilliant. Its…its…I dont have words for what it is but it doesnt matter cause it speaks for itself. Whatever the marketing guys at dell are up to, one thing is clear, they are on target and deserve a raise. There are several hundred designs to choose from but its ones like this that are just too good to be true.

Nothing like selling hipsters “culture” back to them at high prices. Although I suppose no self respecting hipstershit would purchase it anyway because its not a mac. Hypothetically speaking of course if they were to, half of them would buy it and drool all over it for a few weeks until something else shiny catches their attention and the other half would bitch and moan “they are stealing OUR culture!” Come to think of it however, I suppose you have to put SOMETHING into your OFFICIAL ISSUE CHROME MESSENGER BAG.

Hilarious. Its exactly what they are doing to themselves without realising it day in and day out (i know its hard to admit, so you dont have to, just keep buying your culture shhhhhhhhh). Hipsters, I implore you, carry on with the whining about these types of assaults by the corporate world on your “culture” so that i may stay adequately entertained. Thank you.

And as long as we are on the topic of safety…

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25510572-421,00.html

this is why i wear a helmet, even the smallest fall can end your life.

respect to the doctor who used a dewalt from the maintenance shop to drill a hole in the boys head to save his life. as much as the majority of adolescent boys annoy the piss out of me, and as many times as ive thought about taking a drill to the skull of one, this is one case that warranted the action.

needed a helmet like he needed a hole in the head...oh wait.

cheers doc.

if you really care about your safety on a bike you should consider a helmet so your head doesn’t do this:

chose poorly is right.

Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century

http://mustachesofthenineteenthcentury.blogspot.com/

If You’ve Only Got A Moustache
Stephen Foster (1864)

Oh! all of you poor single men,
Don’t ever give up in despair,
For there’s always a chance while there’s life
To capture the hearts of the fair,
No matter what may be your age,
You always may cut a fine dash,
You will suit all the girls to a hair
If you’ve only got a moustache,
A moustache, a moustache,
If you’ve only got a moustache.

No matter for manners or style,
No matter for birth or for fame,
All these used to have something to do
With young ladies changing their name,
There’s no reason now to despond,
Or go and do any thing rash,
For you’ll do though you can’t raise a cent,
If you’ll only raise a moustache!
A moustache, a moustache,
If you’ll only raise a moustache.

Your head may be thick as a block,
And empty as any foot-ball,
Oh! your eyes may be green as the grass
Your heart just as hard as a wall.
Yet take the advice that I give,
You’ll soon gain affection and cash,
And will be all the rage with the girls,
If you’ll only get a moustache,
A moustache, a moustache,
If you’ll only get a moustache.

I once was in sorrow and tears
Because I was jilted you know,
So right down to the river
I ran To quickly dispose of my woe,
A good friend he gave me advice
And timely prevented the splash,
Now at home I’ve a wife and ten heirs,
And all through a handsome moustache,
A moustache, a moustache,
And all through a handsome moustache.

New York Tomorrow!

Leaving this morning for New York! I have design job for which ill be staying in the Hamptons for a weekend…ill post pictures! Unfortunately i cant bring my bicycle. We will see if i have a nervous breakdown without it. I got a job as the art director for a south asian (Indian) fashion photo shoot. I hope it will help me to get my name out there, as it should be good publicity.

Cant wait.