A PACKET OF CRISPS.

NOW. I WANT ONE.

NO I HAVEN’T BEEN DRINKING.

ONE OF THE HORRIBLE WALKERS FLAVORS WOULD BE QUITE NICE, THATS ALL.

Fixies by the River

http://columbus.craigslist.org/mis/1260159194.html

“I was riding home from OSU yesterday evening on a fixed gear bike. You passed me on fixed gear bike. Its good to see somebody else that has not spent tons of money on bike gear”

Just to be clear, they were both riding FIXED GEAR BIKES, yes lets repeat that just so there are no misunderstandings here FIXED GEAR BIKES. Yes at least you didn’t spend a lot of money on your FIXED GEAR BIKE, but I’m sure you did on your chrome messenger bag or jeans from urban outfitters, so it all evens out in the end. In the meantime I’m sure i flew by these two on their FIXED GEAR BIKES at probably 15 mph faster on my 60 mile commute yesterday. But at least they were on FIXED GEAR BIKES. And coincidentally urban outfitters is now selling FIXED GEAR BIKES. I like where this is going. The bikes are made by the republic bike company, and are complete rubbish, not surprising considering urban outfitters is selling them. I read several reviews of the product and it sounds like one of those dreams you have where you are riding a bike and it starts falling apart beneath you…or maybe thats just me.  The bikes are customizable, a hipsters wet dream, and are made from the oh so quality “hi tensile steel” which translates to UTTER CRAP. You would be better off framebuilding with natural gas black iron pipe, and it’s painted yellow already so BAM customized! Enjoy riding your worthless FIXED GEAR BIKES together you shitting hipsters.

BONUS CRAIGSLISTING!

And this gem, a veritable treasure trove of grammar riches:

http://columbus.craigslist.org/mis/1259961788.html

“i miss u so much that i cant stand it been with out u we have kids toghter i miss coming home from work to u and the kids i cant bleave that i let ten years go down the drain please give me one more chance i love u peace “

Sounds like they should have given FIXED GEAR BIKES a chance, probably would have saved the marriage. Craigslist continually erodes my faith in humanity, I love it.

Create your own skate park. And other top notch craigslistings.

I know i know, you’re thinking something modest like a suburban teenager’s backyard kind of skate park right? Kinda like this?

your average teens homemade skatepark.

But wait! Found only on craigslist, the website dedicated to only bringing you the top most quality products comes:

looks FUN!

act now! SEE how well constructed it is! WONDER at how safe it is! BE AMAZED at all the FUN you will have with your very own SKATE PARK!

im no expert on skateboarding or bmx for that matter, but id be hesitant to call a poorly constructed ramp system a “skate park” but hey who am i to judge, what a park is, after all china (leave it to china) recently stopped construction on a giant “sex park” . It just sounds creepy, you know bad things were going to happen there, all those middle aged guys hopped up on viagra running sex starved around a park, yes assuredly very bad times for all involved.

Here are 3 more listings for bicycles that seem to have been lovingly stored and properly cared for by keeping them  alongside railroad tracks in the woods or possibly in a vat of acid somewhere. Lovely.

Original posts here:

http://columbus.craigslist.org/bik/1197926476.html

http://columbus.craigslist.org/bik/1197928090.html

http://columbus.craigslist.org/bik/1197929982.html

And to further enforce the fact that cops are good people, we have this “missed connection” Classy.

Brilliant. Astounding. Massive. All those words describe something else.

Today we have this little jewel from the marketing geniuses at Dell computers.

selling your idiocy back to you.

This is brilliant. Its more than brilliant. Its…its…I dont have words for what it is but it doesnt matter cause it speaks for itself. Whatever the marketing guys at dell are up to, one thing is clear, they are on target and deserve a raise. There are several hundred designs to choose from but its ones like this that are just too good to be true.

Nothing like selling hipsters “culture” back to them at high prices. Although I suppose no self respecting hipstershit would purchase it anyway because its not a mac. Hypothetically speaking of course if they were to, half of them would buy it and drool all over it for a few weeks until something else shiny catches their attention and the other half would bitch and moan “they are stealing OUR culture!” Come to think of it however, I suppose you have to put SOMETHING into your OFFICIAL ISSUE CHROME MESSENGER BAG.

Hilarious. Its exactly what they are doing to themselves without realising it day in and day out (i know its hard to admit, so you dont have to, just keep buying your culture shhhhhhhhh). Hipsters, I implore you, carry on with the whining about these types of assaults by the corporate world on your “culture” so that i may stay adequately entertained. Thank you.

And as long as we are on the topic of safety…

http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,25510572-421,00.html

this is why i wear a helmet, even the smallest fall can end your life.

respect to the doctor who used a dewalt from the maintenance shop to drill a hole in the boys head to save his life. as much as the majority of adolescent boys annoy the piss out of me, and as many times as ive thought about taking a drill to the skull of one, this is one case that warranted the action.

needed a helmet like he needed a hole in the head...oh wait.

cheers doc.

if you really care about your safety on a bike you should consider a helmet so your head doesn’t do this:

chose poorly is right.

I’m a self righteous prat.

Yes, indeed, I am both self righteous and also a prat.

Incidentally if you google the term “self righteous prat on a bike” you find several pictures like this:

self righteous prat on a bike

That car is obviously a bike. I mean its in the BIKE lane. That bikecar DOES NOT CARE. Not only is that car a bike but its also the rapper Lil Jon:

and this also on the 2nd page:

another self righteous prat on a bike

which i guess is kind of funny, because he obviously is, he has the audacity to not only WEAR A TIE, but hes NOT WEARING A HELMET! The TIE HES WEARING automatically pegs him for a wanker that thinks hes better than you since hes WEARING A TIE! In addition ITS A SKINNY TIE and we all know about the ego that WEARING A SKINNY TIE generates in people. The lack of a helmet shows that not only does he not care about the well being of his internal organs he DOESNT GIVE A PISS AT ALL!!!!

That man is obviously “deceased” rapper Tupc Shakur:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOg45fpdEv8

All it comes down to in the end is that im a self righteous prat.

But its okay, cause im better than you.

Feeding the Trolls

Hi there internet trolls!

I just wanted to drop you a note to request that if you are going to troll my blog, at least make it interesting please, while juvenile locker room insults are kind of fun, i guess, do something original please.

I enjoy the blog spammers a lot, so something along those lines wold be nice, randomly generated text and high-ascii art are a good starting place.

While many of the things you said about me may have been true, the narcissism, oh the endless mirror gazing! Some were not.  For the record i do not wank it to my bike. If i was going to do it, id go the whole way like this guy:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/glasgow_and_west/7095134.stm

now there is a guy that knows how to RIDE his bike!

In closing, random faceless trolling of my blog and speculating on my private life may seem hurtful to you, however i assure you that i find it humorous, a bit dimwitted, but humorous. I will leave the posts up (i had to approve them so dont think that you were sneaking them on my blog). Whoever you trolls are, i find it interesting that you came from a site devoted to cycling, and then came here to make fun of my passion for it? Im not following the logic of that but as dense as you are it must make sense to you so cheers!

Be safe on the road, best wishes internet trolls!