Fakenger Hipster Scenester Rant #2

2 06 2009

So since this fakenger thing is still going after 3-4 years i thought id revisit some thoughts. Ill probably edit this later to make it more coherent later, but I’m at work and have nothing to do so…

There are plenty of fakengers around still. Every city ive traveled to recently has had their fare share, ill be back in San Francisco this weekend and will have hipster overload.

However, i think that the fakenger and hipster communities are basically one and the same now, or they always have been. But you know the hipster “movement” is really in trouble when adbusters (a hipster magazine) is writing an article decrying hipsters. I’m so confused.

Hipster and Fakenger hate aside, its great that people are riding bikes. However, many of these kids ride like idiots. Running lights, on and off the sidewalk, generally riding with no concern for their safety or that of others. I dont give a damn about their safety but it does affect how motorists and pedestrians as well as society in general view ALL cyclists. I know that it is all the rage to “not give a fuck” and wear $3oo shirts that look like they were found at thrift shops, generally look dirty and unkempt, be “different” and “original” buy doing the EXACT SAME THING that all the other hipsters are doing. Its fine if you really need to try that hard to construct a store bought identity for yourself and desperately cling to a consumer culture built around “irony”, so that you can convince yourself into believing that you are truly different or special, and really “dont give a shit” but you do. If i spit on your unblemished nike dunks (if those are even cool anymore i dont know, im sure im behind) you will care, sorry for ruining your delicately constructed image. I bet you dont know if you are being ironic or not any more do you?

If you feel the need to be a hipster or fakenger, thats great, everyone buys into something. But take into consideration those of us that do more than trackstands outside bars, those of us that commute, or race, or are ACTUALLY MESSENGERS. Next time you run a red light while I am sitting there patiently waiting like the rest of the vehicles on the road (we arent pedestrians, we are cyclists) and dart through traffic, youll understand why i am praying for a bus to hit you. Then when i pass you again before the next light, silently, youll understand why I have to resist the urge to shove you off your fixie and throw it infront of the next oncoming car.

Some of us care about attempting to change the car culture in the states into a more cyclist friendly atmosphere. It’s hard enough as it is without hipster fakengers doing their part to undermine our efforts through careless and reckless behaviour on the street. We have to deal with soccer moms on cell phones, wigger idiot kids throwing their mcdonalds at us, and yuppies in hummers, we dont need fellow cyclists holding us back.

Take some time and actually learn about how your bike works, and how to fix it if something goes wrong, so i don’t have to stop and show you. See if you can ride further than “to the bar”, realise that Brooks saddles suck. period. no really, they do. sshhhhhhhhhhhh. Put SOMETHING in your empty messenger bag, i know its just a fashion accessory, but t would make me feel better, and im off my meds, thanks.

So instead of running that red light, show the traffic around you how fucking cool you really are and do a trackstand at the light, while drinking a PBR and listening to some ironic rap “music” on your ipod. Thanks.

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