Open Hostilities

27 06 2011

I like the way this NY Times article starts:

While American cities are synchronizing green lights to improve traffic flow and offering apps to help drivers find parking, many European cities are doing the opposite: creating environments openly hostile to cars. The methods vary, but the mission is clear — to make car use expensive and just plain miserable enough to tilt drivers toward more environmentally friendly modes of transportation.

While I don’t hold out too much hope for car culture in the states to change anytime soon, there is always time for hostility toward cars. This seems like an excellent opportunity for some google image search car destruction porn. Unfortunately, while “hostility toward cars” sounds great, prepared to be underwhelmed. In the eloquent parlance of our former President Bush I “misunderestimated” the power of google images to deliver captivating scenes of twisted metal wreckage. I was expecting images of  cars on fire, flipped, turned upside down, and I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-air. Or something like the bonus stage in Street Fighter 2 wherein you get the chance privilege  GOD GIVEN RIGHT to engage in open hostilities towards an automobile and rip it apart with your bare hands in wanton abandon.

"perfect" is an understatement.

But no, all that was there was this:

Disgustingly cute is the new hostile.

While most motorists have about as much skill at operating their vehicles as this dog does, I have to fault whatever algorithm google is using to compile search results. I DEMAND BLOOD at least a drippy oil pan,maybe a coolant leak, something! Come on, give me a little to work with here google.

Maybe theres an app for that. If theres an app to help drivers find parking, there is most likely one to help them injure and maim pedestrians, cyclists, and other unarmored street combatants. Oh, wait, that would be all the apps and cell phones drivers wield while mercilessly patrolling the streets.

Adding to the European arsenal in the fight against cars and their ruthless totalitarian dictators, Michael Kodransky, global research manager at the Institute for Transportation and Development Policy in New York said:

“Sihl City, a new Zurich mall, is three times the size of Brooklyn’s Atlantic Mall but has only half the number of parking spaces, and as a result, 70 percent of visitors get there by public transport”

Now, I don’t know what types of shops are at the Sihl City mall, but I do know that here in Brooklyn there is nothing that makes me want to go to the Atlantic Terminal whatsoever, regardless of how many parking spots they have. I’m not alone. A couple years ago Blogger fuckedinparkslope did a 4 part undercover mission to expose the conditions in which the war torn target store was enduring. Having made the mistake of willfully entering the failed state that is the Atlantic Terminal Target, I can vouch for FIPS documentary. NATO needs to head there next.

In what could be an unintended choice of wording, (that I will take creative liberties with and mischaracterize) Peder Jensen,  of the Energy and Transport Group at the European Environment Agency said:

“In the United States, there has been much more of a tendency to adapt cities to accommodate driving,…Here there has been more movement to make cities more livable for people, to get cities relatively free of cars.”

I don’t know if he means “livable”, or “living”, as in “In Europe we like to have living people, as opposed to America”. Yes, in America we are openly hostile but we don’t like to actually declare it. We use words like “military campaign” instead of “war” and somehow, magically, that legitimizes it and turns the horrors and atrocities of war into a small dog in the seat of a car. What does it take to actually be “openly hostile”? Maybe the dog urinating on the upholstery in the police car? Whatever it is, its not what we think. As Washington Post opinion writer Eugene Robinson finds:

“Obama, with uncommon disregard for both language and logic, takes the position that what we are doing in Libya does not reach the “hostilities” threshold for triggering the War Powers Act, under which presidents must seek congressional approval for any military campaign lasting more than 90 days.”

There we have it, aircraft strikes, missiles, shootings, and countless other forms of violence that we have at our disposal are not “hostile”. I should have no trouble physically assaulting  automobiles then, Street Fighter 2 style.

Luckily there is an app for that. The Obama 2012 application has apparently been bugged from the start. Maybe we got the alpha version. In any case, it is apparent that it has been loaded with malicious software. Read the first review:

“Obama 2012 just doesn’t work! When I click “close gitmo” it starts a war in Libya. When I click “Nobel Peace Prize” it errors out and increases unmanned drone attacks in Pakistan!”

Pio Marzolini, a Zurich City official, who is confusingly is under the insane notion that he, and other 2 legged human beings, are more important than our 4 wheeled motorized counterparts. Having mentioned “twisted metal” earlier in the post I feel obligated to use a photo from the real life documentary “twisted metal 2” which portrays “one mans daily commute to the office”


“We would never synchronize green lights for cars with our philosophy, when I’m in other cities, I feel like I’m always waiting to cross a street. I can’t get used to the idea that I am worth less than a car.”

This guy. Pfft. Crazy talk.


Miami Declares War On Events

22 06 2011

Maybe we do need some anarchy. Alex Pro come on down to south Miami, a little street justice is needed there. Leave your Labatt Blue behind though, and only bring your bike.

Miami local Mari Chael wanted to organize a “joyous bike ride” around town. Unfortunately she made the mistake of inviting some city officials. Fearing an invasion of anarchists masquerading as cyclists, and assuming that “joyous bike ride” is a euphemism for “cocaine fueled Taliban atheist sex riot” (I’d like to google that, but I’m afraid (“I’d like to google that” sounds bad too incidentally)) the  City Manager-Hector Mirabile had this to say:

“Under no circumstances will you do this unless this commission authorizes you to do it. If it does happen and you violate a law, the police will take action and code enforcement will take action.”

The issue apparently lies in Chael’s use of the word “event”, which upon hearing sets the members of the city government into an uncontrollable rage. Also, Chael decided that she has something called “rights”, whatever those are, and that she was “concerned”, something the city government should convene an exploratory committee to investigate.

 “I’m concerned, it is within our rights, within the Florida statutes that a group can get together and bike ride as long as they abide by the rules of the road of the state of Florida. There is no special event here.”

Frothing at the mouth and violently spastic, the city officials apparently have been taking anger management classes from Bill O’Reilly:

Further inciting the city, Chael had the nerve to try to reason with them:

When Ms. Chael referred to the ride as an “event,” it all went downhill from there. She offered different suggestions so the ride could proceed without conflicts with the city manager’s office, but to no avail. Her suggestions included a new point of origin, waiving any interest in a voluntary police escort and changing the date of the ride. She also reiterated that there was no need for street closings of any kind.

Seeing through her obvious ploy, the city, knowing that no reasonable person would attempt to co-operate with them, and deducing that Chael must be an Al-Qaeda operative bent on wreaking havoc on Miami through “joy”, city manager Mirabile shot back:

“This is an event. It came out of your own mouth. You are not allowed to do it unless this commission approves it.”

Thankfully there is a hero in Miami, a man who will take a stand, a man who will be there to stop joy in all its forms, a man who we can count on to be on the front lines of the war against “events”. If there is one thing I know, its that “events” will be the downfall of America, they lead to nothing but “anarchy”. Look at how the Stanley Cup turned out. So next time a person invites you to an “event” on facebook, call Homeland Security right away. Together we can stop “events” and being led by the champion of our cause City Manager Hector Mirabile, we can win!

Freestlying Isn’t Free

22 06 2011

Vancouver. Up until recently I’ve always had a fondness for Vancouver, and enjoyed the holidays I’ve taken there. Kiss that goodbye. Well, not really, I know it was but a few hooligans, not the whole city. However, drunken youth with entitlement syndrome leave a bad taste in my mouth, and not from a beer-breathy post-riot kiss. The police have tried to blame the riot on “anarchists” instead of who was actually responsible, namely pro MTBer Alex Prochazka.

Nothing screams anarchy like being forced to wear corporate logos.

The last I checked, political activists were not prone to rioting over sporting events, but usually erosion of democracy or trampling of civil rights. But then, what do I know, maybe the new progressive cause being spearheaded is the absolute social injustice of a team losing a hockey match. I digress. It appears the anarchist Prochazka has lost his sponsorships from the large corporate backers he held. Which, of course, is just fine for him, being an anarchist and all, he didn’t need or want them anyway.

Here he is in all his glory, surrounded by other members of the “royal blue and kelly green” bloc, wearing the symbol known to law enforcement groups worldwide to belong to anarchists…the orca.

Nothing screams anarchy like everyone in uniform!

Beware this symbol:

Or the “Reebok third jersey shoulder logo”:

Johnny Canuck

For where you see these symbols  social upheaval is soon to follow. We had better get a SWAT team over to the Reebok corporate offices, I saw hundreds of similarly dressed men in suits heading into the building, they must be anarchists plotting an alcohol fueled office riot. Some of them were even wearing these:

Also, in true radical insurrectionist fashion, the NHL Team Shop carries a Tattoo Sleeve that would make anther well known malcontent revolutionary named Ed Hardy writhe in jealousy.

Nothing screams anarchy like fake tattoos!

It turned out lucky for us that I decided to risk infiltrating the den of leftist agitators that is Much to my dismay, I uncovered another sinister plot the anarchists were hatching:

Nothing screams anarchy like arm warmers on a cool autumn morning.

There you have it. The anarchists, right this very second, are targeting, in classic provocateur terminology:  “an untapped demographic” and will be launching preemptive strikes into said “test market”, bicycling.

If we are not careful, we will end up like Alex Prochazka, under the thumb of  political dissidents such as Ed Hardy, Reebok, or the aptly named Red Bull, which does nothing to hide its communist sympathies. Here he is, surrounded by other cyclists already who have been through the anarchist indoctrination process known as “exploratory research and factor analysis” and are now a  “diffusion model”.

Nothing screams anarchy like allover print shirts, logos, corporate sponsors, and neon green hats.

Motorists Injure Cyclists, Police Get Tough On Cyclists?

21 06 2011

Well, in a fit of American tea party type logic, the Aussie police have seen fit to “get tough” on the victim. The article quotes a senior police sergeant as saying: “We have seen a number of incidents recently, particularly in the St Kilda Road area, where cyclists have collided with opening car doors,” Dubbed “Operation Compass” (which is humorous because it is evidently the police who have lost their way here and should be trying to find it) police “will patrol major routes into the city at peak times following a recent jump in bicycle crashes that have left some cyclists with serious injuries”. The article goes on to state that:

“The most recent figures from Bicycle Victoria’s annual road count, taken on March 1 this year, revealed that 1510 cyclists passed through the intersection of Swanston and Flinders streets in the city between 7am and 9am. That was the busiest bicycle commuter intersection in the city, recording an average of 12.6 cyclists per minute. However, the number of riders was down 18.5 per cent on the previous year due to wet and windy conditions in the city on the day the count was taken.”

Which of course, in a car dominated culture is exactly what “they” want.

This means war!

20 06 2011

“Cyclists also noticed thumbtacks on the road the previous weekend, though many had been squashed by passing cars. Jeff Craddock and several other cyclists picked up the thumbtacks that Monday morning, and he estimated they collected 100 or 200 at each of several intersections along the route…Last week…every intersection had tacks sprinkled on it. Such roadway risks are not normal, said Craddock, who has been riding with the group for about five years.”

Somebodysgonnagetahurtrealbad! Such roadway risks are not normal he says. I suppose that is true, usually its cars trying to hit us, or things being thrown from the windows as they pass…which leads me to:

Of course in this instance I guess we should give the driver a break, I mean she was busy on her cellphone while she was driving, and she was drunk, which makes driving awfully difficult. She deserves a little leniency here I suppose…er…

Hit and Run Driver Wont Face Felony Because it Could Jeopardize His Job.

6 11 2010

Maybe he should have thought about that before hitting a cyclist and driving away.

In further proof that being rich grants you the kind of immunity to prosecution that politicians receive, I give you Martin Joel Erzinger. He is a director in wealth management at Morgan Stanley Smith Barney in Denver. And according to, Erzinger is “dedicated to ultra high net worth individuals, their families and foundations.”

Too bad hes not dedicated to ethics or basic humanity.

Full article here.

Anthony Patrick Settles Court Case Vs. Police!

20 07 2010

On August 19, 2008, bicyclist Anthony Patrick, of Huntington, West Virginia, was tasered and assaulted by Lawrence County, Ohio Deputy Charles Hammonds and Chesapeake Police Department Dennis Gibson.  Patrick who is an experienced cyclist was riding with another person when Deputy Hammonds told them to get off the road.  Patrick told Hammonds he had as much right to be on the road as the deputy or anyone else as prescribed by Ohio law.  The situation deteriorated after that and ended with Patrick being tasered, arrested, and charged with so called “crimes”  invented by the officers including “Riding a Bicycle on the Roadway,” resisting arrest, failing to obey a lawful order and various other fabrications and falsehoods.

On July 1, 2010 in the United States Federal District Courthouse in Cincinnati after several hours of negotiations, a settlement was reached.  While the settlement figure is confidential, Tony Patrick was very pleased with the outcome and feels justice was done.

Read the full story of the assault on a cyclist by police here.

And here is a link to a written by a cyclist/police officer.