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A New Terrorist Threat

The Gothamist has an article up right now about an ever vigilant news reporter exposing the threat of al-quaeda using NYC bike lanes to carry out their attacks.

It’s already been established that bike lanes are killing your father and turning your children into fixed-gear riding meth addicts, but did you know they’re also being used by terrorists as the next tool in the war against the infidels? Laugh away, sheeple; CBS 2’s Marcia Kramer—who previously exposed the threats posed by Prospect Park West bike lane—knows better. Yesterday she raced up to Turtle Bay to, uh, report on the forthcoming bike lane extensionson First and Second Avenue, from 34th Street to 59th. And where some see a “safety” improvement, Kramer sees a hotbed of militant extremism.

“A Second Avenue bike lane is next to the Israeli Consulate,” Kramer warns. “Imagine if the man on the bike was a terrorist!” The copy on the CBS 2 website phrases it slightly differently: “A Second Avenue bike lane is next to the Israeli consulate, leaving many wondering what would happen if a man on a bike were a terrorist.” Many indeed! How many? Surely too many to count, but we’re guessing they can all be found inside Kramer’s head.

Fear not however, citizen! In an investigative report, Gothamist has uncovered the secret weapon against cycling terrorists on the streets of New York. The spiked license plate.

Years of FBI handiwork

This would make George Bush proud, as well as the PTI guys, although from the sounds of it they would use it against civilian cyclists too, not just terrorists.

Pardon the Ignorance

ESPN variety show Pardon The Interruption (PTI) had some rather disturbing things to say following the automobile induced TdF crash. Instead of being concerned about the safety of the riders they joked

“I hope nothing happened to the car, I hope it didn’t sustain any real damage”

and followed up with:

“We don’t want bikes on the road with us when we’re going to work, they don’t want our cars next to them when they’re doing their work and I think they have a right, but once again this is France, what do you expect?”

BSNYC has a nice piece up about it here on bicycling.com

I’m moving to Sweden.

I’m moving to Sweden. After seeing this:

Man gets sick benefits for heavy metal addiction

I see no reason why I shouldn’t. I have the same symptoms as well as another disease called “bicycling” that I am addicted to and can’t seem to get back on the wagon…er, saddle.

Graphic video of cyclists being hit by a car.

And its not what you think, even here, in cycling most hallowed competition the cyclists aren’t safe from automobiles.

 

THE THUNDERGOD.

Thor Hushovd is showing good form thus far, and being a personal favorite of mine based on his epic metal name, I’m excited to see where this years tour takes him. Well, we know where it will take him, as the routes are all planned, but you know what I mean.

There is no way this meets UCI regulations.

Despite his affinity for rubbing his suncream on other men Hushovd, is truly a God amongst mortals, at least during these beginning stages of Le Tour. After he finished rubbing suncream all over the manx missile, he did give Cav his due:

“About two or three years ago, I realized that I could not compete anymore on flat sprints with a guy like Mark Cavendish,” Hushovd said. “So I started to focus on a different type of sprints. To be  strong on small climbs, you need specific preparation and specific work.”

While methodological, step by step, specific training is not quite smiting ice giants with Mjölnir, watching the tour is guaranteed to be better than the Thor movie, so it’ll do.

The Garmin-Cervelo manager Jonathan Vaughters made the oh so obvious observation that Thor is “a strong, strong man”. Hopefully strong enough to battle for the mailloit jaune for the duration of the tour, and after his victory there take on  Jörmungandr during Ragnarök.

Creamsicle and suncream? Thor seems to have a theme going here.

Creamsicles and suncream too, oh Thor, you crazy.

ARGH!

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/sport/tour-de-france/mark-cavendish-and-thor-hushovd-penalised-after-jostling-during-stage-3/story-fn8s9i81-1226088287158

I was trying to think of puns about being headstrong or I don’t know what, I’m too BAH to think about it, but all I have is..

COME ON.

although there was this:

“Hushovd shrugged off the incident, saying: “I just wanted to rub off some of my suncream (on Cavendish).” Pretty sexy. Cavendish evidently didn’t find it as arousing, however as he had this to say:

“Just heard that Thor’s offered to take the punishment solely. What a true gentleman. I reckon it won’t change f*** all, but thank you.”

Followed up by:

“Feillu causes havoc in every sprint. If you ask the riders who causes trouble in the sprint finishes, more of them would say Feillu. Today I had Rojas on one side and Feillu on the other, and they took my wheel. I got swamped.”

COME ON!

An ode to the potato.

Being my favorite food, other than cake, I was excited to see Bicycling cover the potato, with an albeit short story, not delicious crispy, crunchy skins and fluffy moist soft interiors, smothered in steamy luscious baked beans with a touch of cheese.

So sexy. So fine.

The article features quotes from a dietitian, who resides in the aptly named “Crested Butte”. Sultry sentence segments such as  “general face stuffing”, “gussied up into”, “creamy goodness” and “on-bike noshing” fill the page. All this talk of tubers and buttes is getting me all worked up…this after the veggie schmear on a bergen bagel at penny house cafe. If you are a consumer refugee fleeing the war ravaged Target store at Atlantic terminal, and looking for a safe haven, you’ll find it at Penny House.

Open Hostilities

I like the way this NY Times article starts:

While American cities are synchronizing green lights to improve traffic flow and offering apps to help drivers find parking, many European cities are doing the opposite: creating environments openly hostile to cars. The methods vary, but the mission is clear — to make car use expensive and just plain miserable enough to tilt drivers toward more environmentally friendly modes of transportation.

While I don’t hold out too much hope for car culture in the states to change anytime soon, there is always time for hostility toward cars. This seems like an excellent opportunity for some google image search car destruction porn. Unfortunately, while “hostility toward cars” sounds great, prepared to be underwhelmed. In the eloquent parlance of our former President Bush I “misunderestimated” the power of google images to deliver captivating scenes of twisted metal wreckage. I was expecting images of  cars on fire, flipped, turned upside down, and I’d like to take a minute just sit right there, I’ll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel-air. Or something like the bonus stage in Street Fighter 2 wherein you get the chance privilege  GOD GIVEN RIGHT to engage in open hostilities towards an automobile and rip it apart with your bare hands in wanton abandon.

"perfect" is an understatement.

But no, all that was there was this:

Disgustingly cute is the new hostile.

While most motorists have about as much skill at operating their vehicles as this dog does, I have to fault whatever algorithm google is using to compile search results. I DEMAND BLOOD at least a drippy oil pan,maybe a coolant leak, something! Come on, give me a little to work with here google.

Maybe theres an app for that. If theres an app to help drivers find parking, there is most likely one to help them injure and maim pedestrians, cyclists, and other unarmored street combatants. Oh, wait, that would be all the apps and cell phones drivers wield while mercilessly patrolling the streets.

Adding to the European arsenal in the fight against cars and their ruthless totalitarian dictators, Michael Kodransky, global research manager at the Institute for Transportation and Development Policy in New York said:

“Sihl City, a new Zurich mall, is three times the size of Brooklyn’s Atlantic Mall but has only half the number of parking spaces, and as a result, 70 percent of visitors get there by public transport”

Now, I don’t know what types of shops are at the Sihl City mall, but I do know that here in Brooklyn there is nothing that makes me want to go to the Atlantic Terminal whatsoever, regardless of how many parking spots they have. I’m not alone. A couple years ago Blogger fuckedinparkslope did a 4 part undercover mission to expose the conditions in which the war torn target store was enduring. Having made the mistake of willfully entering the failed state that is the Atlantic Terminal Target, I can vouch for FIPS documentary. NATO needs to head there next.

In what could be an unintended choice of wording, (that I will take creative liberties with and mischaracterize) Peder Jensen,  of the Energy and Transport Group at the European Environment Agency said:

“In the United States, there has been much more of a tendency to adapt cities to accommodate driving,…Here there has been more movement to make cities more livable for people, to get cities relatively free of cars.”

I don’t know if he means “livable”, or “living”, as in “In Europe we like to have living people, as opposed to America”. Yes, in America we are openly hostile but we don’t like to actually declare it. We use words like “military campaign” instead of “war” and somehow, magically, that legitimizes it and turns the horrors and atrocities of war into a small dog in the seat of a car. What does it take to actually be “openly hostile”? Maybe the dog urinating on the upholstery in the police car? Whatever it is, its not what we think. As Washington Post opinion writer Eugene Robinson finds:

“Obama, with uncommon disregard for both language and logic, takes the position that what we are doing in Libya does not reach the “hostilities” threshold for triggering the War Powers Act, under which presidents must seek congressional approval for any military campaign lasting more than 90 days.”

There we have it, aircraft strikes, missiles, shootings, and countless other forms of violence that we have at our disposal are not “hostile”. I should have no trouble physically assaulting  automobiles then, Street Fighter 2 style.

Luckily there is an app for that. The Obama 2012 application has apparently been bugged from the start. Maybe we got the alpha version. In any case, it is apparent that it has been loaded with malicious software. Read the first review:

“Obama 2012 just doesn’t work! When I click “close gitmo” it starts a war in Libya. When I click “Nobel Peace Prize” it errors out and increases unmanned drone attacks in Pakistan!”

Pio Marzolini, a Zurich City official, who is confusingly is under the insane notion that he, and other 2 legged human beings, are more important than our 4 wheeled motorized counterparts. Having mentioned “twisted metal” earlier in the post I feel obligated to use a photo from the real life documentary “twisted metal 2” which portrays “one mans daily commute to the office”

Yeah.

“We would never synchronize green lights for cars with our philosophy, when I’m in other cities, I feel like I’m always waiting to cross a street. I can’t get used to the idea that I am worth less than a car.”

This guy. Pfft. Crazy talk.

July 2.

There is an “event” beginning on July 2nd that many of us are eagerly anticipating. I need it to hurry up.

Note to the City of Miami: Don’t worry, It is outside your jurisdiction, so no one needs your approval.